Friends

As I drive across the country, for the second time in a year, I can't help but reflect on the friendships I have made over the years. The friends that are now spread over this beautiful country; the friends that became family when my own family was far away. Please indulge my nostalgia here for a minute as I go back in time. 

It's been almost 9 years since we moved away from our families in Utah to venture out on our own. I still remember living in that first apartment in Rancho Cucamonga, 6 months pregnant, not knowing a soul and thinking we had made a terrible mistake. It was during this struggle that I met Nanda, a beautiful mother of 2, her oldest the same age as Lincoln, who happened to be my next door neighbor. We got to know each other and all hit it off immediately. I'm not sure she will ever know just how much I appreciated her friendship, especially during that difficult time. She helped me realize that I could not only handle living away from family but also enjoy new friendships along the way. From that point on, many other friendships blossomed, especially with members from my San Sevaine Ward (Nichole, Julie, Sarah, Amy). It was there I met my "BFF" Liz. She was one of those women I knew would be a forever friend! I'll never forget our crazy game nights and talking for hours. I know that however much time passes, she will always be there for me and we'll be able to pick up right where we left off! It was there I also met my twin, Sarah. We connected in so many ways and understood each other on a very deep level. I will always love her and appreciate her for her kindness and for our mutual understanding of each other!
 

Moving from Rancho to Victorville was difficult, especially because of the friendships I had made; I didn't know if I would be able to have those same kind of relationships somewhere else. It didn't take long to find my "people" (Chrissy, Dawn, Amy, Candace, Kelly, Yvonne, Carol, Maria, Amanda, Jaima) to name a few. Never in my life had I experienced such deep and profound relationships with a group of women! No matter what was going on around us, we made time for each other and relied on each other, like a big family! There wasn't anything we wouldn't do for each other. It would take pages to write about these amazing women individually but I am so grateful for all of the special memories we share together. When it was time to move, leaving Victorville was no problem, but leaving those women was the hardest thing I'd done since leaving my family back in Utah.

From there we had a short 3 month stint in Northern California. Even though it was ridiculously short, we had the kindest neighbors and ward members who welcomed us with open arms. There really are great people everywhere!

 

When we moved back to So Cal we had to live in Randy's hotel for a couple of months. While waiting to move into our new home, I began driving the kids back and forth to school everyday. Carter was in kindergarten and got out a few hours before Lincoln. Some of our new ward members found out about this and instead of letting me drive back and forth (30 minutes each way-with no traffic...) they made sure I had a place to hang out or go to each day before we got into our house! One lady I barely knew at the time, knowing that being holed up in a hotel with 3 boys while being 9 months pregnant was probably taking its toll, offered to watch my boys so I could get a pedicure and lunch by myself! If only she knew how much those couple of hours of freedom meant to me at the time! Christina,  Kristi and Amber are some of the most generous and kind women I've ever had the pleasure to know! Valencia was also a place where my children met some of their greatest friends. Jackson met his best buddy, Dax, which led to my friendship with Kayla and the Hasert family moved in across the street, which led to my friendship with Melissa. If only they could have stayed our neighbors forever! :-) And then when Lincoln came home one day begging for a play date with his new friend, Edison, I had no idea how great that friendship would be for both of us. Edison's Mom and I hit it off instantly and Jenny ended up being like a sister to me! Talk about a fiercely loyal friend! When she sat there for hours with me trying to keep me calm before a surgery, and then crying with me when my Mom passed away, I knew we would be friends for life! 

When it came time to part ways with California, I was excited but unsure of what New York would hold. Would people be accepting of this weirdo from California? It didn't take long to realize that people were a little different back east. As a whole, I felt like there was a very down-to-earth quality they had. There wasn't as much emphasis on having "things" (which made me a little worried that no one would accept my shoe addiction). However, they did accept me, with all of my faults and eccentricities. Tiffany Dunn understood my shoe feddish, Petra understood my California-ness, and Holly Frazee and Katie Sheffield were plain kindred spirits! I felt like I had known them my whole life. I'm a true believer that friends who run together are bonded forever! I absolutely loved my time in New York! It was far too short but I feel like I learned so much from the people I met and I will always be grateful for our time there! 

Now as I drive to our next destination, I'm a little nervous...

I didn't plan for my life to be this adventurous, at least not while raising children. Starting over in a new place is difficult. New school, new church, new doctors, and new friends. I think I'm beginning to see the silver lining in it, though. Life is short. You have to enjoy the journey and not worry so much about the destination. If I hadn't moved so much, I wouldn't have met the amazing people I have. The friendships I've made mean the world to me and I feel like each friend has taught me something different that, hopefully, has made me a better person. I feel so incredibly lucky to have rubbed shoulders with all of you, both those I've mentioned by name as well as those I haven't. Thank you. I will love you always!

"I've heard it said that people come into our lives for a reason, bringing something we must learn and we are led to those who help us most to grow if we let them and we help them in return. Well I don't know if I believe that's true but I know I'm who I am today because I knew you... Like a comet pulled from orbit as it passes a sun, like a stream that meets a boulder halfway through the wood. Who can say if I've been changed for the better? But because I knew you, I have been changed for good" ~Wicked

 

Mother's Day

Today is Mother's Day. A day that stands out from childhood as a chance to make creative cards for Mom, make breakfast, wrap a gift or two, and have a nice meal. The day came and went and repeated each year.

As I grew into adulthood, I thought I realized how much my Mom really did for myself and my siblings and I put more thought into the cards, gifts, etc. Mother's Day had more meaning, because I appreciated what having a caring mother really meant and how lucky I was to have a great Mom.

When I became a mother for the first time, Mother's Day meant even more. I realized how much sacrifice went into being a mother. Motherhood meant literal, physical pain and putting your child's needs ahead of your own at all times. It meant sleepless nights, constant worry, being a nurse, cook, maid, confidante, enforcer and so much more. It also meant that I appreciated my mother's own sacrifices on a deeper level.

Today, Mother's Day was difficult; far more difficult than I expected. It was a reminder of the mother I can no longer give a card to, the one I cannot send flowers to, buy the perfect gift for or call up and chat with. The mother I can no longer give a hug to and tell her how much I love and appreciate her.

If she were here today I would tell her one thing. Well, sort of one thing. I would say thank you.

Thank you for teaching me kindness.

Thank you for teaching me to dig deep when I felt like giving up.

Thank you for showing me how to love unconditionally.

Thanks for being honest with me at all times, even when the truth was difficult to hear.

Thank you for putting your children before everything else in your life.

Thank you for teaching me that my inner beauty was far more important than what was on the outside.

Thanks for going to every activity I was ever in, ever, no matter how trivial.

Thank you for teaching me to sing and dance.

Thank you for teaching me to be modest.

Thanks for teaching me that nothing should ever get in the way of what you know is right.

Thank you for being passionate about what you love.

Thank you for teaching me good manners.

Thanks for teaching me that just because something was difficult didn't mean it wasn't worth fighting for.

Thank you for teaching me that I am a daughter of God.

Thank you for passing on your love of travel and adventure to me.

Thank you for having me, even against doctor's wishes.

Thanks for telling me that my birthmark was a kiss from God so I didn't feel so self conscious about it.

Thanks for being the best mother I could have ever asked for.

Thank you for fighting to stay alive for so many years, enduring so many illnesses and pain just to have more time with us and our children.

Thank you for being you.

Thank you, Mom. Happy Mother's Day!

Little Moments

I just can't get my Mom off my mind today and I want to stop dwelling on how much I miss her and instead focus on the great life she lived and what she taught me. So I decided to write down little things I remember about this most amazing woman, who I luckily got to call, Mother.
I remember...

- twirling with her as a kid. Wherever we were: gorcery store, walking on the sidewalk, on the soccer field, at home. She would grab my hand and start spinning me around.

-she never missed any type of performance or activity I was involved in. Dance performances, choir concerts, oral reports, school trips...she was always there!

-having family prayer with her everynight. Even if we got home late from a date or activity, she made me wake her up and have prayer with her.

-when she scared my 2nd grade principal into apologizing to me after chewing me out over something silly. He never crossed her again!

-getting in massive trouble when she found out I kept ditching my English class my sophomore year to hang out with my boyfriend at the time. I was grounded for a loooonnngggg time!

-her also scaring my junior high choir teacher for accusing me of something serious that I did NOT do. I learned never to cross my mother unless you wanted her wrath!

-many, many road trips, especially the long ones back to upstate New York for the Hill Cumorah Pageant. We would sing, sing, and sing some more.

-I remember (also at the Hill Cumorah Pageant) confessing to her that I held hands with a boy for the first time. I thought she was going to be mad, instead she laughed at me.
-Telling me (and all my siblings) that she "loved our guts." She felt like if you could love someone's guts, that was true love!

-going to New York City multiple times and seeing Broadway musicals together. She fully supported my dream to become one of those crazy Broadway folks. Doesn't matter that it never happened; she believed in me.
-her carting 5 children to live with her in Paris, France for half a year while she studied there (this is even more amazing/crazy to me now that I have 4 of my own kids)!

-her taking us to museums all over the country and world. This led to my deep love of the artist, Renoir.

-her obsession with the symphony, opera, and ballet. I shared many symphony dates with my parents. The dates didn't mind because hanging with my Mom was pretty awesome!
-getting in "trouble" on our European tour after my senior year, because my chaperoning mother kept breaking all the rules by taking me and my friends to cooler places than the tour had set.




-going to see Celine Dion in London (also on the European tour) with her.  It would not have happened without her "breaking the rules" so I could see my favorite singer in concert. It was amazing!
-crying on her shoulder when Randy went on his mission.
-when we were in Manhatten and she saw a homeless man on a cold night. She took him by the hand and took him to get some warm food.
-fighting with her because she didn't want me to get married so young. (she later decided it was a good move).
-what a morning person she was. On Saturday mornings she would jump on my bed singing "Good morgin' to you!"

-telling her everytime we needed to have an "Ice Cream Party" (which was only 3 times for me). Yes, she also taught me not to give ice cream out to just anyone.
-seeing the ambulance while at the Hill Cumorah Pageant 15 years ago. I saw it and ran across the field; I had a bad feeling it was for her. It was the first time they took her to the hospital for her heart. Unfortunately not the last.
-watching her get ready when I was a kid. I thought she was the most beautiful woman in the world!

-the way she looked everytime she held one of my kids for the first time. Being a grandma was her favorite thing in the world.

-how whenever she would get bad news from a Dr. she would say, "but it's all going to get better".

-how I felt when she was too sick to make it out for Lincoln's baptism and Kennedy's baby blessing last year. It was the first time I accepted she might get more out of life by leaving this one.
-her love of all plants and flowers. She was always out in her garden, singing and talking to the plants. I, who kill plants just by looking at them, did not inherit her green thumb.
-when she taught me to stay home with my (future) kids. She was always sad she didn't get the opportunity to stay home with us and she really encouraged Tiff and me to do what we could to make that happen.
-hugging her for the last time. I held on for a long time, fearing it could be the last.

Love Your Guts!

It was Sunday afternoon, just one week after returning home from our long, three-week trip from Utah. We were at church and I was taking a break from leading the primary children in singing time when I went to check my phone. That's when I saw an emergency text from my sister and a missed call and message from my father. When I listened to my Dad's message I knew something was horribly wrong. I walked outside to call him and just hearing his voice, I knew. It took him awhile to say the words aloud but once I heard my mother had indeed passed away, I fell to the ground in sobs. I had honestly never felt anguish like that in my whole life; it was overwhelming to say the least. Thankfully Randy was there and helped me to the car and gathered the kids so we could go home and tell them together that their grandmother had died.

My mother was diagnosed with cardiomyopathy 15 years ago which caused her to go into heart failure. She spent many years on the heart transplant list. About 9 years ago she was diagnosed with breast cancer. She underwent intense radiation treatments and was able to beat the cancer but with consequences. 2 years ago she had an infection that spread to her blood and she almost died in the ICU. She, once again, recovered but was never the same. Her kidneys started failing along with many other things and she needed to be an oxygen round the clock. The other side of her heart, which had always been okay, had also started failing which meant pneumonia would be a constant in her life. She kept beating it, again and again, but on July 8th, she was done fighting.

After sitting and crying together as a family, we decided the only thing to do was get in the car and drive back to Utah as quickly as possible. Within a few hours we were on the road (which quite frankly, led to more crying from the children). We arrived the next morning to be with my Dad, brothers and sister. It was the first time all of us kids had been in the same place since Tory's wedding, 9 + years earlier. This fact was quite painful for me as Mom wanted nothing more than for us all to be together for so long.

The next week was a blur as we made arrangements for the funeral, obituary, etc. Thanks to Greg Ballard, my amazing brother-in-law and mortician, for making the whole process much easier to bear. Before the viewing, he let my sister and I do her hair and even paint her finger nails. This was a touching and difficult feat. Tiffany turned to me at one point and put it best. "We finally get to do something nice for Mom." For a woman that always wanted to be strong and only wanted to give and never receive, it was an unforgettable moment.

The viewing was tough and exhausting but also such a testament to all the lives that my mother affected. This was even more apparent at the funeral, where all the words (and flowers) were reminders of the amazing life my mother lived. My Mom wanted to be buried in Idaho Falls, ID, close to where she was born and raised and where my Dad's parents are both buried. It's a beautiful cemetary and despite the fight I put up to have her buried closer, I can see why this peaceful, untouched area was where she wanted her final resting place to be. I didn't expect leaving her casket at the cemetary to be so difficult and once again the intense grief surprised me. On the way back from the cemetary we stopped at my Aunt Sharlene's house where she fed us and let us change and relax before heading back to Salt Lake. At one point, it was just my Dad and I downstairs. I asked how he was doing and he tearfully looked at me and said, "Now what do I do?" This summed up what we were all feeling. That first week while awful, at least we were busy planning. Now we had to go back to our lives but lives that were now foreign to us.

I wasn't ready to head back to Cali yet so I stayed a week longer than Randy so I could spend more time with my Dad and family and try and go through some things with Tiff. My Mom kept everything and it will be a long, slow process to go through all of her things but we tried to at least scratch the surface. One day in particular my sister-in-law, Ang, took all of the kids so I could go though things without the interference of my energetic children around. At one point I was the only one in the house. I was in my Mom's room and the Celine Dion song, "Goodbye's the Saddest Word" came on. If you have never heard the song, it talks about a mother's love and how saying goodbye was going to be the most difficult thing. It was the first time I had been completely alone since her passing and I lost it. It all had felt so surreal and it was like reality hit me. She really was gone. I would never have 3 hour long conversations with her. I would never get voicemails from her checking in on me and the kids and, probably the most difficult part, my youngest children would never have memories of her.

I've had many people tell me that her passing was for the best and saying we "were expecting this, right?" It's so hard to put in words how much harder this is than I ever would have believed. I thought I was prepared. I thought we had had so many close calls that I had, in a sense, already grieved. But the truth is I'm shocked and heartbroken. Still. I had an amazing mother. I am happy for her becasue  I know she is free from her sick, earthly body and she is happy now but it doesn't make me miss her any less. The greatest comfort in this difficult time is knowing that I will see her again. From some very personal experiences that I will not share, my faith has grown a great deal. I know that she will be a part of our lives. She will be our guardian angel and she will be watching and cheering her children and grandchildren on every step of the way.

Love your guts, Mom!

This is why I run

A week ago, I ran my second half marathon- the Hollywood Half. I was able to rope in 7 of my friends, old and new, to run it with me. Friends from high school, friends from Victorville, and my neighbor. Before we new it, the 13.1 miles had come and gone. It was a fun race (minus the 7 minutes waiting in line for the facilities mid-race and a monstrous hill for the last 2 miles) and in the end I crossed the finish line - last of all my friends. My finish time was 2:15 (really 2:08 - minus those frustrating 7 minutes on the side of the road). I was ultimately happy with my time. Heck, I ran 13 + miles, something many will never get to accomplish, I should be very pleased. But somehow, I felt deflated from the experience.

I'm sure part of it was because my first half marathon was so dissapointing. It was a very small, disorganized race that began an hour late, had us mixed with the 10K runners, which led to the race workers sending myself, my friend (and other frustrated runners) in the wrong direction, bringing us to the finsish line at mile 8. That left an extra 5.1 miles for us to come up with on our own. Thankfully I had a GPS tracker on my phone and we eventually figured it out. The drama of the event made for a frustrating experience and I dearly hoped this second attempt would prove more successful.

Not that the Hollywood Half was a bad experience. On the contrary. The first 9 miles were fantastic! It was amazing to be surrounded by thousands of enthusiastic runners in the middle of Hollywood! It wasn't until I was waiting in line on the side of the road, watching the clock tick on, and runners pass by, that my head game began. I felt deflated by the wasted time. Running is such a mental sport and the only person I was competing against was myself. I felt I had somehow let myself down. I knew my official time was no longer going to be what I was hoping for (2:10)and that really bummed me out. When I got to the finsih line and saw how extrememly happy all my friends were with their race experinece and times, I was happy for them but I also felt like a failure. After all the time I trained and worked toward my goal, it was squashed because, of all things, as my kids would say, "I had to go potty". How lame is that? And what bothered me even more, was that I was dissapointed in myself. How can you be disappointed about something that isn't your fault?


As the week went by I tried to shake off the dissapointment. I was looking into any half marathon I could run in the near future. I was determined to have a great half marathon experience even if it meant running every half in the state of CA. I was obsessed. It wasn't until a 6 mile run on Saturday that I realized I was being idiotic. As I ran my favorite trail, listening to my favorite tunes, on a beautiful Southern California spring day, I remembered there is so much more to running than a race. Here are some of the reasons why I run:

* To get a break from my 4 beautiful (crazy) children.
* To clear my head and think through problems/concerns.
* To relieve stress and anxiety.
* To work towards a rockin' hot body.
* Because I love chocolate.
* To set goals and push myself.
* Because it's empowering!


And the final reason I run is because it's a great metaphor for life. Somedays running is great! Other days, it plain sucks. And when it comes to running the race of life, we have to tackle the tough hills. They're not fun, but they make us stronger. And when we finally get to run down the other side of that hill, it can be exhilarating! Sometimes, we just need to take a moment and slow down. What's the point of running, if we don't stop and take in the views now and then (or a little In-n-Out)? And when we get sent the wrong way or have to take a pit stop, it can be dissapointing and downright infuriating, but the important thing is we keep on running!

A Break

Let me start off by saying how much I love my children. I adore them. Motherhood has been the most amazing, challenging, and rewarding experience of my life. Seeing each one of my children grow up and develop their own (wildly different) personalities is such a joy. Cliche or not, motherhood is the best thing I've done or will ever do in my life.

Having said that, it's exhausting. Being their cook, entertainer, chauffeur, nurse, maid, and confidante is seriously draining. I know everyone warns you how tough parenthood is but you can't grasp the difficulty level until you are surrounded by 4 screaming children who all need different things at the exact same time.


Today, amidst the insanity that is motherhood, I thought of what I would give to have a week to myself. All by myself. Alone. As a woman who got married at the ripe old age of 20, I never really had all that much time to myself. I wouldn't change a thing, but I do dream of having a break from it all. If that break ever comes, here's my to-do list:

*Read a book, guilt-free.

*Go for a long run whenever I want to.

*Sit on a beach. That's all. Just sit on the beach and listen to the waves.

*Sleep.

*Shop. Anywhere. Alone.

*Go to a museum.

*Go to a ballet and/or symphony.

*Go to a club and dance my heart out.

*Walk wherever I want for as long as I want.

*Go to a pool and swim laps and then sit in the jacuzzi 'til I'm pruny.

*Eat at a nice restaurant and order an appetizer, entree, and dessert.

*Take a long, uninterrupted shower.


It's the simple things, I guess. But I think that's part of what this whole parenting thing is about. Teaching you appreciation for life's simple treasures.

Bah Humbug!

Ah, Christmas! The most magical time of the year. I have always been a BIG fan of Christmas. As a child I would beg my parents to let me sleep by the fireplace and listen to Christmas music as I fell asleep...beginning in September. My parents (and now my husband) have had to ban any Christmas music prior to Halloween.



But over the last few years, Christmas has changed for me. I can probably pinpoint the beginning of this change to when we moved to California. Taking away the snow and nip in the air and replacing it with 70 degree weather (although ridiculously nice) just doesn't get me in the holiday spirit as quickly.



The other change has been, well, having a plethora of children. It seems like my shopping list grows larger every year with our own additions to the family, not to mention more nieces, nephews, aunts and uncles to shop for. This year in particular, I have been very overwhelmed and stressed, feeling more like the grinch than my former Cindy-lou Who self. There just seems to be so much to do and not enough time and/or money to do it all.



This last weekend, Randy and I took the kidlets to Universal Studios Grinchmas celebration. With 4 kids, it was seriously exhausting but they had a blast. Seeing the place all decked out in Christmas decor (they even had a snow area for the kids to throw snowballs in) helped me snap out of my Scrooge funk and remember that Christmas isn't about all the stuff that's been stressing me out. It's about enjoying these precious, fun moments with my children and seeing the excitement in their eyes. It's about remembering why we give gifts; to honor our Savior, Jesus Christ, who gave everything for us.

So, from here on out, I am going to keep a better perspective on Christmas. I may not find my way back to the holiday crazed girl of my youth, but I will take a step back and enjoy the magic of the season through my children's eyes and remember my Savior during this holiday season.

"It came without ribbons, it came without tags! It came without packages, boxes, or bags!" And he puzzled three hours, til his puzzler was sore. Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before! "Maybe Christmas ," he thought, "doesn't come from a store. Maybe Christmas...perhaps...means a little bit more!" -How The Grinch Stole Christmas