Body Image

In a week and a half I am going to attempt my first marathon. Definitely a sentence I never expected to write. 4 years ago, I would have laughed in your face if you told me I was going to consider myself a runner let alone one that would attempt that 26.2 miles. Well, 4 years, a whole lot of miles and running shoes later, here I am, prepping for the seemingly impossible.

Why I do this whole running thing is a conversation for another blog. Today I want to write about what has been going through my mind through many of my long, lonely runs when the only conversations I have are with myself. It's interesting how many of life's great questions get asked and answered when I have time alone with my head and my endorphins.

One of the those one sided conversations has been about body image and not for the reasons you may think. Not because I'm out there trying to look amazing but rather because as my body gets pushed to its limits and does things I never imagined it could, I have developed a profound reverence and respect for my healthy body and for all the things it has and continues to do. This newfound appreciation has made it difficult for me to watch as other women and friends condemn their beautiful bodies and their envisioned imperfections. Not to say that I am immune from these same condemnations but I feel a change in me as of late.

I think about the women in my life who are most beautiful to me. I think they are stunning and they manage to become more beautiful every time I am around them, not because they are supermodels but because they are unique, strong, and have (sorry for the cliché) a beauty within. These are the women I try to emulate, the women I hope to be like someday.

Maybe it's because I have a daughter now that I feel my eyes have been opened to how truly difficult it is for a girl/woman in this world to feel good about themselves when everywhere you turn there are images of gorgeous physiques, flawless cheekbones, petite noses, giant breasts, and so on and so forth. How are we supposed to ever feel like enough surrounded by all of that?



I have a dear friend, who is one of the most beautiful women I have ever known. She has both a gorgeous countenance and a fabulous figure but if you were to ask her how she feels about her appearance, you would be shocked. There is nothing she admires about herself! I have spoken with her many times about how this saddens me. She is so busy searching for perfection that she can't see what is literally right in front of her reflection. There are so many of us out there in that same boat who can't see beyond their imperfections (I definitely have my moments) and I wish we could take a step back and be grateful for the beautiful women God made us! We are not intended to look the same. We are supposed to be shaped differently. How boring would it be if we all looked like Heidi Klum? Well...maybe not the best example but you get my point.



So what if we are getting older. I'm pretty sure the circle of life includes us aging. It's difficult to feel like we are allowed to age when we are inundated with magazines poking fun at women who, shockingly, look their age. Not to mention if  you've had kids, you're body is not allowed to change. Really??? I was running with a friend awhile back and we were discussing her struggles with fertility and her choice to adopt. I mentioned to her that the silver lining was she didn't have any stretch marks. She looked at me and told me how jealous she was of my stretch marks because it was a trace of something her body was unable to do. Talk about a reality check. Thank you to that woman for helping me be grateful for the marks of motherhood instead of complaining about them. I have housed growing, little chillins' inside me for a total of 3 years, how can that not change you? Sure I miss my washboard abs, more slender hips, and perkier...everything but when I look at my 4 beautiful children I wouldn't trade that for the world.



Now by no means am I saying we shouldn't try to make ourselves better. Being active, eating better, and tying to look our best are all extremely important in feeling good about ourselves. I, for one, am addicted to the endorphins I get from exercising! I also love putting on makeup, heels and getting dressed up. They're the little things that make me feel beautiful!  I happen to also love chocolate and think life would be depressing without it. Sure if I stopped eating sweets I would probably be a little more trim. However at the end of my life I would rather have indulged in life's goodness than weigh a few pounds less. I guarantee no matter how much weight you lose, or surgery you have done, you won't be happy unless you can be grateful for what you already have. Life is too short to be constantly tearing ourselves down and wishing we looked like somebody else.


As most of you reading this know, I was born with a port wine stain birthmark covering most of my right cheek, chin, and the bottom of my mouth. I am grateful for a mother that taught me to embrace it. She told me it was a kiss from God and I believed her. She told me that I was beautiful outside and in and I believed her. Now that she has passed on, her words ring in my ears as I raise my daughter. I want nothing more for her than to be strong, proud, and to know that she is beautiful because she is an original. Aren't we all?

My husband says I only feel this way because I'm beautiful. Thank goodness he feels that way! Oddly enough the older I get, the more beautiful I feel. I'm not ashamed to say I'm beautiful and I'm going to start telling myself that everyday, not for vanity reasons but for gratitude and empowerment. Sure you won't see me on the cover of any magazines and that's perfectly fine with me. I've got this.

So do me a favor, look in the mirror and instead of nitpicking everything that's imperfect, tell yourself you're gorgeous and be grateful for the beauty that is so obviously there. We only get one body so we might as well be nice to it!

Friends

As I drive across the country, for the second time in a year, I can't help but reflect on the friendships I have made over the years. The friends that are now spread over this beautiful country; the friends that became family when my own family was far away. Please indulge my nostalgia here for a minute as I go back in time. 

It's been almost 9 years since we moved away from our families in Utah to venture out on our own. I still remember living in that first apartment in Rancho Cucamonga, 6 months pregnant, not knowing a soul and thinking we had made a terrible mistake. It was during this struggle that I met Nanda, a beautiful mother of 2, her oldest the same age as Lincoln, who happened to be my next door neighbor. We got to know each other and all hit it off immediately. I'm not sure she will ever know just how much I appreciated her friendship, especially during that difficult time. She helped me realize that I could not only handle living away from family but also enjoy new friendships along the way. From that point on, many other friendships blossomed, especially with members from my San Sevaine Ward (Nichole, Julie, Sarah, Amy). It was there I met my "BFF" Liz. She was one of those women I knew would be a forever friend! I'll never forget our crazy game nights and talking for hours. I know that however much time passes, she will always be there for me and we'll be able to pick up right where we left off! It was there I also met my twin, Sarah. We connected in so many ways and understood each other on a very deep level. I will always love her and appreciate her for her kindness and for our mutual understanding of each other!
 

Moving from Rancho to Victorville was difficult, especially because of the friendships I had made; I didn't know if I would be able to have those same kind of relationships somewhere else. It didn't take long to find my "people" (Chrissy, Dawn, Amy, Candace, Kelly, Yvonne, Carol, Maria, Amanda, Jaima) to name a few. Never in my life had I experienced such deep and profound relationships with a group of women! No matter what was going on around us, we made time for each other and relied on each other, like a big family! There wasn't anything we wouldn't do for each other. It would take pages to write about these amazing women individually but I am so grateful for all of the special memories we share together. When it was time to move, leaving Victorville was no problem, but leaving those women was the hardest thing I'd done since leaving my family back in Utah.

From there we had a short 3 month stint in Northern California. Even though it was ridiculously short, we had the kindest neighbors and ward members who welcomed us with open arms. There really are great people everywhere!

 

When we moved back to So Cal we had to live in Randy's hotel for a couple of months. While waiting to move into our new home, I began driving the kids back and forth to school everyday. Carter was in kindergarten and got out a few hours before Lincoln. Some of our new ward members found out about this and instead of letting me drive back and forth (30 minutes each way-with no traffic...) they made sure I had a place to hang out or go to each day before we got into our house! One lady I barely knew at the time, knowing that being holed up in a hotel with 3 boys while being 9 months pregnant was probably taking its toll, offered to watch my boys so I could get a pedicure and lunch by myself! If only she knew how much those couple of hours of freedom meant to me at the time! Christina,  Kristi and Amber are some of the most generous and kind women I've ever had the pleasure to know! Valencia was also a place where my children met some of their greatest friends. Jackson met his best buddy, Dax, which led to my friendship with Kayla and the Hasert family moved in across the street, which led to my friendship with Melissa. If only they could have stayed our neighbors forever! :-) And then when Lincoln came home one day begging for a play date with his new friend, Edison, I had no idea how great that friendship would be for both of us. Edison's Mom and I hit it off instantly and Jenny ended up being like a sister to me! Talk about a fiercely loyal friend! When she sat there for hours with me trying to keep me calm before a surgery, and then crying with me when my Mom passed away, I knew we would be friends for life! 

When it came time to part ways with California, I was excited but unsure of what New York would hold. Would people be accepting of this weirdo from California? It didn't take long to realize that people were a little different back east. As a whole, I felt like there was a very down-to-earth quality they had. There wasn't as much emphasis on having "things" (which made me a little worried that no one would accept my shoe addiction). However, they did accept me, with all of my faults and eccentricities. Tiffany Dunn understood my shoe feddish, Petra understood my California-ness, and Holly Frazee and Katie Sheffield were plain kindred spirits! I felt like I had known them my whole life. I'm a true believer that friends who run together are bonded forever! I absolutely loved my time in New York! It was far too short but I feel like I learned so much from the people I met and I will always be grateful for our time there! 

Now as I drive to our next destination, I'm a little nervous...

I didn't plan for my life to be this adventurous, at least not while raising children. Starting over in a new place is difficult. New school, new church, new doctors, and new friends. I think I'm beginning to see the silver lining in it, though. Life is short. You have to enjoy the journey and not worry so much about the destination. If I hadn't moved so much, I wouldn't have met the amazing people I have. The friendships I've made mean the world to me and I feel like each friend has taught me something different that, hopefully, has made me a better person. I feel so incredibly lucky to have rubbed shoulders with all of you, both those I've mentioned by name as well as those I haven't. Thank you. I will love you always!

"I've heard it said that people come into our lives for a reason, bringing something we must learn and we are led to those who help us most to grow if we let them and we help them in return. Well I don't know if I believe that's true but I know I'm who I am today because I knew you... Like a comet pulled from orbit as it passes a sun, like a stream that meets a boulder halfway through the wood. Who can say if I've been changed for the better? But because I knew you, I have been changed for good" ~Wicked

 

Mother's Day

Today is Mother's Day. A day that stands out from childhood as a chance to make creative cards for Mom, make breakfast, wrap a gift or two, and have a nice meal. The day came and went and repeated each year.

As I grew into adulthood, I thought I realized how much my Mom really did for myself and my siblings and I put more thought into the cards, gifts, etc. Mother's Day had more meaning, because I appreciated what having a caring mother really meant and how lucky I was to have a great Mom.

When I became a mother for the first time, Mother's Day meant even more. I realized how much sacrifice went into being a mother. Motherhood meant literal, physical pain and putting your child's needs ahead of your own at all times. It meant sleepless nights, constant worry, being a nurse, cook, maid, confidante, enforcer and so much more. It also meant that I appreciated my mother's own sacrifices on a deeper level.

Today, Mother's Day was difficult; far more difficult than I expected. It was a reminder of the mother I can no longer give a card to, the one I cannot send flowers to, buy the perfect gift for or call up and chat with. The mother I can no longer give a hug to and tell her how much I love and appreciate her.

If she were here today I would tell her one thing. Well, sort of one thing. I would say thank you.

Thank you for teaching me kindness.

Thank you for teaching me to dig deep when I felt like giving up.

Thank you for showing me how to love unconditionally.

Thanks for being honest with me at all times, even when the truth was difficult to hear.

Thank you for putting your children before everything else in your life.

Thank you for teaching me that my inner beauty was far more important than what was on the outside.

Thanks for going to every activity I was ever in, ever, no matter how trivial.

Thank you for teaching me to sing and dance.

Thank you for teaching me to be modest.

Thanks for teaching me that nothing should ever get in the way of what you know is right.

Thank you for being passionate about what you love.

Thank you for teaching me good manners.

Thanks for teaching me that just because something was difficult didn't mean it wasn't worth fighting for.

Thank you for teaching me that I am a daughter of God.

Thank you for passing on your love of travel and adventure to me.

Thank you for having me, even against doctor's wishes.

Thanks for telling me that my birthmark was a kiss from God so I didn't feel so self conscious about it.

Thanks for being the best mother I could have ever asked for.

Thank you for fighting to stay alive for so many years, enduring so many illnesses and pain just to have more time with us and our children.

Thank you for being you.

Thank you, Mom. Happy Mother's Day!