Life lessons from a hysterectomy

Two weeks ago today I had surgery. A total laparoscopic hysterectomy, to be exact. A pretty weird thing for a 33 year old woman to go through. Of course, most 33 year olds haven't already had 4 babies take up residence in their uterus. Apparently that's all mine could take before letting me know, in no uncertain terms, for the past 3 years, that it was DONE! After baby #4, my husband and I agreed we were done having children. My body was tapped out and so was my sanity. Even with this knowledge and steps we took to insure that decision, there was something so final about deciding to go through with this surgery. It meant that I really, REALLY would never give birth to another child, never have another baby to hold in my arms and rock to sleep. Logically, I already knew this decision had been made but it was still difficult to accept the finality this surgery would insure. On top of that, I had both rational and irrational fears of having any type of surgery and worried constantly about what could go wrong. I even wrote letters to my husband and children in the unlikely scenario that the surgery went awry. However the date came and went and in the few short hours that the surgery lasted and I came to, I found my worries to be unnecessary. With all the decisions and fears behind me, now came the easy part. I just had to heal...

Not so easy, as it turns out. I've learned in the last couple weeks that this is a long and difficult healing process. In my mind I told myself it would be easier for me because of my age and good health. Well, apparently, taking out organs is kind of a big deal, no matter your age. Huh. Who would have thought. And I'm finding it difficult to not be where I want to be at this point of recovery. It's hard to accept that this is going to take longer than I anticipated and also difficult to accept the help I need as a result of that. I would much rather do the helping than be helped myself. I sit by and watch others taking over my tasks and doing the things "I should be doing" and it evokes guilt in me. Even though I know it's misplaced and ridiculous, it's still there. Guilt could be my middle name. The first few days it wasn't that big of a deal. I was in a lot of  pain and on so many pain killers I didn't have enough strength to worry about what I couldn't do. As the worst days were behind me, however, I realized that getting back to "normal" was going to take time and a lot more help. And let me tell you, the help came! It came from all around me!

First and foremost, I've had the help of my husband who has been amazing! He's doing his job and mine on limited sleep and without complaining. He scolds me when I overdue it and constantly ensures that I am comfortable and the kids are taken care of. His willingness to do all he does for me and our family is a reminder of the kind, hardworking person he is and how lucky I am that he's my man!

I also had immense help from my mother-in-law, Kathy, who flew in to help all last week. I know where Randy gets his skills from; he had an extraordinary teacher! I was worried about the difficulty in letting her take over for me. I didn't want her to overwork herself and, once again, felt guilty that she would be doing "my job." I had to rely wholeheartedly on her (and her alone when Randy traveled for work). Not only did she act like it was no problem, she even required I give her an extra task everyday to accomplish around the house! Whether it was laundry or organizing my kitchen, she did it with no complaint and only desired to help more! I have always had a fantastic relationship with Kathy but the week we spent together, with her continually serving me and my family, our relationship grew.

My children have even made a valiant effort at helping out. They have been thoughtful in ways I didn't know they were capable of, from my middle schooler (who calls his Dad to tattle on me if I'm trying to do too much) down to my pre-schooler (who gives me kisses instead of hugs because she knows my tummy has an 'owie').

I have also received an outpouring of love and help from friends (both near and far) and members of my church. They have jumped in with both feet to help in anyway they can. Bringing me meals, watching my kids, running errands for me. Last week, I had a friend who refused to let me drop off or pick my kids up from school; she was handling it! Today, I was feeling lousy and as I went to pick up my youngest from preschool I saw a friend of mine from church, whose daughter also attends the school. She told me she was going to take Kennedy home with her for a few hours so I could get some more rest. I almost started bawling there on the spot. (My ovaries are definitely intact as proven by my irrational hormones that make me cry on cue). Another friend dropped her off and informed me that between them they were planning to take turns picking my daughter up for the next few weeks. No arguing allowed. This was followed shortly by a get well package that arrived in the mail from my dear friends in NY, full of my favorite treats, from my favorite places, from two of my favorite people. It was the perfect pick-me-up on a day when I've felt being "myself" again seems too far into the future.

There have been packages, flowers, phone calls, texts and an endless array of family and friends that want to be there for me every step of the way. There was a phone call to my sister, when words failed and my language of choice became tears. She simply listened and loved, as is her way, just what I needed at that moment. I've been amazed and touched by the outpouring of love I've received!

These simple yet profound acts of kindness remind me how much good there is in the world. Sometimes it's easy to forget but I look around and I'm surrounded by it! As others reach out and serve, my love for them grows. Maybe that's why we need times like this, when we are required to lean on others for support and allow them to serve us. It ignites trust, love and respect in a more profound way than day to day normalcy allows. Not only that, it's a reminder of how much there is to be thankful for. Right now, I am brim full of gratitude! Even though the last couple weeks have been difficult- not to be active (oh how I miss running!) and not to be able to fulfill my duties as a mother, wife, and friend- it's been a profound learning experience. I've learned to appreciate the wonderful and amazing people in my life. I'm beyond blessed and I plan on reminding myself of that. Everyday. When you open your eyes to the goodness around you, you start recognizing it everywhere. As for me, I've been infiltrated and overwhelmed with that goodness and love these past weeks. I just wish I could return it and share it. Thank you doesn't seem enough but I guess it will have to do. For now, at least.

This quote summed up my feelings perfectly:

“In the end, though, maybe we must all give up trying to pay back the people in this world who sustain our lives. In the end, maybe it's wiser to surrender before the miraculous scope of human generosity and to just keep saying thank you, forever and sincerely, for as long as we have voices.”
― Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love: One Woman's Search for Everything Across Italy, India and Indonesia    

Thanks Mom!

Every Christmas since I can remember my Mom would buy a special book that we would read as a family on Christmas Eve. Most of the time it was a Christmas themed book but sometimes it was just an uplifting tale. Even after we married and moved away, we still received the family Christmas book each year. It was a wonderful tradition and every year we would look forward to our new book and the special message my mom would write in the front cover. The last Christmas before she passed, she gave us each a book titled, "Wherever you are, my love will find you" by Nancy Tillman.

It's a beautiful book but one I haven't read all that often. I'm not sure if it's because it was the special Christmas book or because it was the last of these from my Mom, but whatever the reason it's lied dormant on the bookshelf. I actually haven't seen or thought of the book in quite some time. Tonight, however, as I was putting my daughter to sleep, it was lying on her bedroom floor. She has never once cared for or wanted to read this book. Ever. Until tonight. And as I sat next to and read it to her, on the anniversary of my mother's death, I couldn't help feeling like it was a special gift and message directly from my Mom to us. A tender mercy. Here are the words of the book:

I wanted you more than you will ever know, so I sent love to follow wherever you go.
It's high as you wish it, it's quick as an elf, you'll never outgrow it. It stretches itself.
So climb any mountain, climb up to the sky, my love will find you, my love can fly.
Make a big splash, go out on a limb, my love will find you, my love can swim.
It never gets lost, never fades, never ends. If you're working, or playing, or sitting with friends.
You can dance 'til you're dizzy, paint 'til you're blue, there's no place, not one that my love can't find you.
And if someday you're lonely or someday you're sad, or you strike out at baseball or think you've been bad.
Just lift up your face, feel the wind in your hair, that's me, my sweet baby, my love is right there.
In the green of the grass, in the smell of the sea, in the clouds floating by, at the top of a tree.
In the sound crickets make at the end of the day, you are loved, you are loved, you are loved, they all say.
My love is so high and so wide and so deep, it's always right there, even when you're asleep.
So hold your head high and don't be afraid to march to the front of your own parade.
If you're still my small babe or you're all the way grown, my promise to you is you're never alone.
You are my angel, my darling, my star and my love will find you wherever you are.

Thank you, Mom, for telling me you love me and are there for me, even now.